I'm gonna add a poll [to our blog], 'cause then we can have pole-dancers.

.... I learned that... not at boss's school, not at spy school.... that, I learned at Tourette Syndrome Summer Camp.

....it's kinda neat actually, because I can make my butt look like Crystal Gayle.

I just can't seem to find my mucus-plug

Do you guys think this 12-point type makes my butt look big?

....that's like finding a porkchop bone in your underpants.

t: can you please turn this music off before I have an aneurism?
c: why, are you turning gay?
t: no, I'm turning suicidal.

Let's search midget-lesbian porn.

day's like today, I want so much to be a manager of a strip club.

I'm [T f'in O], there should be a million women lined up to pick up my dirty socks...and I can't even get a frickin wink back on match.

you're such a tart you have a tv show all about your butt.

n: did we just have a heat wave in here?
t: yeah, all of a sudden my nuts are feeling quite moist

(in regard to the new cities 97 sampler)
what did you name this CD, songs-to-put-your-head-in-an-oven-to?

c....I love when you wash your hair, it makes my day.

you smell like dinah shore.....when she was alive, of course.

days like today just make me want to put on a blue vest and get a job at menards.....I'd like to help some old lady find vacuum bags....and if we don't have her kind of bags, just be able to say--Too bad, go find your damn vacuum bags somewhere else!

reading is to underpants as bicycles are to fish.

Do you think Paz Vega has even the slightest idea how much I love her?

if I went to Bermuda...I'd buy shorts.

I am going to skip to the loo.

oh...I thought you two were comparing areolas.

this is what I'm thinking for the [office] uniforms:

what are my odds with a girl like ivanka trump?

I'm huge in japan.

you know what I wish, I wish I had the self-awareness of a guy like Dick Enrico....I mean, just walking around thinkin' I super hot....waking up in the morning, looking in the mirror and saying, "Look! I'm an orange bowling pin!... Yeah, and the chicks love me!"

I wish I had a butt that blocked out the sun.

you know....I think I will model myself after hugh hefner.

so....did you guys think that maybe you could put on a little skit for boss's day?

c: today is national boss's day
t: so....then, why aren't you two wearing something a bit more revealing?

are you making fun of my ears?

I’m just not sure you CAN offend a panini grill

it's like brooklyn park's uncool step-brother.
(in regard to thunder bay, canada)

that person will not be my lover....or my friend.

I'm still thinkin' about the spice girls.

I don't know when I am going to have time to get with all the spice girls.
what? aren't there like five of them?

we need an idiots holocaust.

at the intersection of inappropriate and embarrassing....
that's where I like to hang out.

let's bone.

there's going to be a time-life album someday called
p-popping to the oldies.

you don’t understand tape, you don’t understand coffee, you don’t understand scrotums.

fanta makes me fart. they should call it farta.

i have a sticker on my a-s that says: sweet.

wow! i am gooood lookin'...

you two have yet again failed the dress code.
let me know if you need me to provide the pink fuzzy slippers.

who would rape cereal? it seems so pointless...

...not the savviest of business men, this Lord...I mean what kind of deal is me dying for all of you? what was he thinking?

...um, do I get you guys love drunk on my hump?

I may have well just spent 15 years standing in the corner peeing on myself.

why doesn't penelope cruz answer any of my emails?

are you wearing a unitard today?

c: what does "EB" stand for?
t: I dunno, Eva Bongoria?

I would rather take a dried horse poop bong hit than live in chisago.

(note, that does not say chiCago, it says chiSago....which are two totally different places)

What do think Jesus is doing right now?

who wants honey almond schmear on their bottom?

just put some cold water on it....it'll get smaller.

I'm not sure what you're saying, but it sounds dangerously close to a country song which makes me wanna throw this putty knife at you.

let's brainstorm things we can fart into.

I can flex my bottom. look. are you watching?
look, first the left, then the right.

I am the poster child for maturity.

wow, you have really tall kidneys.

can I pour this scalding hot coffee on you?

NOTHING says boner, like a camp stove.

the boy's bathroom is so stinky, my pee came out, took one whiff and turned around and went right back into my [----].

from now on, let's just say mmm-bop.

stupidity is really going around.
what's next? we're all going to come down with polio?
there should be a unicef fund for stupidity.

c: my email is down, is anybody else's?
t: my pants are down, are anybody else's?

they don't call me "Tommy-the-pelvis" for nothing.

...they are a creative hemorrhoid.

why isn't there a coffee table book of weird nipples?
like the pencil eraser, the silver dollar, the dinner plate, the bovine....

I'm gonna party like it's 1499.

I don't know what salvation army you girls go to, because when I go all I find is broken plates and poop-stained janitor pants.

c: I need a back rub...
t: sorry, I only do fronts.

I've been accused of having a huge asparagus spear.

n: tom, why are you being so serious today?
t: I dunno, probably because my butt's so big.

based on the horrible things I've seen today, I think the only way to erase the memories is to kill myself.

ummm......why do you have a birth on your screen?

I decided I am going to move to illustration world and date a girl with a ten-inch waist and huge boobies......oh, and a sword.

you guys don't need to go to the meat market...I make house calls.

I wrote the book on maturity.

c: did you just fart in my office and walk away?
t: no, I did not crop-dust you.

Do you guys think my butt looks fat?

n & c: tom don't misplace your to-do list
t: yeah....where is that?

women see me as a piece of meat...they call me Tommy the T-Bone.

he dials the phone like he's playing twister, because he's so small.

I would rather pour boiling-hot-goat-piss in my eyes
than look at that ad.

I'm not capable of these mental gymnastics.

I'm going to move to somalia and become a cab driver.

they call me the swedish jalapeno...because I'm so hot.

I love you two. If I could have a three-way, I'd pick you.

clearly he had his chicken beret on when he made that decision.

(this is more of a did than a said)

I spend most of my time thinking about yeast infections.

hey you! calamari dink!

I might need a food-baby c-section.

(n: haven't you ever had a food baby?? [see juno])
think I'm having food-triplets.

....and who wears pants that color?!
maybe the hill-murray marching band.

fine. i'll do the dishes...but I won't guarantee there's not going to be a butt-spoon.

you guys are wrecking christmas...just shut up....

...you know in a head-to-head stapler competition....

carrot top called and said he wants his kitchen back.