my boss just said...

2009-09-16T07:52:00.001-07:00

I'm gonna add a poll [to our blog], 'cause then we can have pole-dancers.

2009-07-27T13:37:00.001-07:00

.... I learned that... not at boss's school, not at spy school.... that, I learned at Tourette Syndrome Summer Camp.

2009-07-23T12:06:00.001-07:00

....it's kinda neat actually, because I can make my butt look like Crystal Gayle.

2009-06-29T14:02:00.001-07:00

I just can't seem to find my mucus-plug

2009-04-30T11:13:00.001-07:00

Do you guys think this 12-point type makes my butt look big?

2009-04-07T11:57:00.000-07:00

....that's like finding a porkchop bone in your underpants.

2009-03-11T13:25:00.000-07:00

t: can you please turn this music off before I have an aneurism?
c: why, are you turning gay?
t: no, I'm turning suicidal.

2009-02-18T12:38:00.001-08:00

Let's search midget-lesbian porn.

2009-01-21T07:34:00.001-08:00

day's like today, I want so much to be a manager of a strip club.

2008-12-22T12:11:00.000-08:00

I'm [T f'in O], there should be a million women lined up to pick up my dirty socks...and I can't even get a frickin wink back on match.

2008-12-16T13:09:00.000-08:00

you're such a tart you have a tv show all about your butt.

2008-12-16T13:08:00.000-08:00

n: did we just have a heat wave in here?
t: yeah, all of a sudden my nuts are feeling quite moist

2008-12-02T14:59:00.000-08:00

(in regard to the new cities 97 sampler)
what did you name this CD, songs-to-put-your-head-in-an-oven-to?

2008-11-26T06:33:00.001-08:00

c....I love when you wash your hair, it makes my day.

2008-11-25T09:43:00.000-08:00

you smell like dinah shore.....when she was alive, of course.

2008-11-25T08:49:00.000-08:00

days like today just make me want to put on a blue vest and get a job at menards.....I'd like to help some old lady find vacuum bags....and if we don't have her kind of bags, just be able to say--Too bad, go find your damn vacuum bags somewhere else!

2008-11-12T10:24:00.001-08:00

reading is to underpants as bicycles are to fish.

2008-11-04T11:25:00.000-08:00

Do you think Paz Vega has even the slightest idea how much I love her?

2008-11-04T11:24:00.000-08:00

if I went to Bermuda...I'd buy shorts.

2008-11-03T14:25:00.001-08:00

I am going to skip to the loo.

2008-10-29T13:36:00.000-07:00

oh...I thought you two were comparing areolas.

2008-10-17T14:13:00.000-07:00

this is what I'm thinking for the [office] uniforms:

2008-10-17T13:14:00.001-07:00

what are my odds with a girl like ivanka trump?

2008-10-17T12:01:00.001-07:00

I'm huge in japan.

2008-10-17T08:25:00.002-07:00

you know what I wish, I wish I had the self-awareness of a guy like Dick Enrico....I mean, just walking around thinkin' I super hot....waking up in the morning, looking in the mirror and saying, "Look! I'm an orange bowling pin!... Yeah, and the chicks love me!"

2008-10-17T08:25:00.001-07:00

I wish I had a butt that blocked out the sun.

2008-10-17T07:24:00.000-07:00

you know....I think I will model myself after hugh hefner.

2008-10-16T09:50:00.000-07:00

so....did you guys think that maybe you could put on a little skit for boss's day?

2008-10-16T08:06:00.000-07:00

c: today is national boss's day
t: so....then, why aren't you two wearing something a bit more revealing?

2008-10-14T14:27:00.001-07:00

are you making fun of my ears?

2008-10-08T09:47:00.001-07:00

I’m just not sure you CAN offend a panini grill

2008-10-08T09:35:00.000-07:00

it's like brooklyn park's uncool step-brother.
(in regard to thunder bay, canada)

2008-10-07T11:46:00.002-07:00

that person will not be my lover....or my friend.

2008-10-07T11:46:00.001-07:00

I'm still thinkin' about the spice girls.

2008-10-07T11:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know when I am going to have time to get with all the spice girls.
what? aren't there like five of them?

2008-10-01T08:05:00.000-07:00

we need an idiots holocaust.

2008-09-30T13:51:00.000-07:00

at the intersection of inappropriate and embarrassing....
that's where I like to hang out.

2008-09-29T11:21:00.001-07:00

let's bone.

2008-09-25T14:17:00.000-07:00

there's going to be a time-life album someday called
p-popping to the oldies.

2008-09-25T13:28:00.000-07:00

you don’t understand tape, you don’t understand coffee, you don’t understand scrotums.

2008-09-25T12:53:00.001-07:00

fanta makes me fart. they should call it farta.

2008-09-25T11:27:00.000-07:00

i have a sticker on my a-s that says: sweet.

2008-09-24T14:07:00.001-07:00

wow! i am gooood lookin'...

2008-09-16T13:15:00.001-07:00

you two have yet again failed the dress code.
let me know if you need me to provide the pink fuzzy slippers.

2008-09-16T13:13:00.000-07:00

who would rape cereal? it seems so pointless...

2008-09-15T14:24:00.000-07:00

...not the savviest of business men, this Lord...I mean what kind of deal is me dying for all of you? what was he thinking?

2008-09-10T11:16:00.001-07:00

...um, do I get you guys love drunk on my hump?

2008-09-04T13:26:00.000-07:00

I may have well just spent 15 years standing in the corner peeing on myself.

2008-08-18T12:05:00.001-07:00

why doesn't penelope cruz answer any of my emails?

2008-08-18T09:30:00.001-07:00

are you wearing a unitard today?

2008-08-18T09:29:00.000-07:00

c: what does "EB" stand for?
t: I dunno, Eva Bongoria?

2008-08-13T09:28:00.000-07:00

I would rather take a dried horse poop bong hit than live in chisago.

(note, that does not say chiCago, it says chiSago....which are two totally different places)

2008-08-12T08:19:00.001-07:00

What do think Jesus is doing right now?

2008-08-06T08:49:00.000-07:00

who wants honey almond schmear on their bottom?

2008-08-05T14:25:00.001-07:00

just put some cold water on it....it'll get smaller.

2008-08-05T11:21:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure what you're saying, but it sounds dangerously close to a country song which makes me wanna throw this putty knife at you.

2008-07-31T09:40:00.001-07:00

let's brainstorm things we can fart into.

2008-07-31T09:13:00.000-07:00

I can flex my bottom. look. are you watching?
look, first the left, then the right.

2008-07-23T11:18:00.001-07:00

I am the poster child for maturity.

2008-07-17T07:00:00.001-07:00

wow, you have really tall kidneys.

2008-07-16T11:58:00.001-07:00

can I pour this scalding hot coffee on you?

2008-07-10T11:21:00.000-07:00

NOTHING says boner, like a camp stove.

2008-07-09T10:52:00.001-07:00

the boy's bathroom is so stinky, my pee came out, took one whiff and turned around and went right back into my [----].

2008-07-08T14:05:00.001-07:00

from now on, let's just say mmm-bop.

2008-07-07T12:54:00.000-07:00

stupidity is really going around.
what's next? we're all going to come down with polio?
there should be a unicef fund for stupidity.

2008-07-07T08:35:00.001-07:00

c: my email is down, is anybody else's?
t: my pants are down, are anybody else's?

2008-07-02T12:21:00.001-07:00

they don't call me "Tommy-the-pelvis" for nothing.

2008-07-01T09:38:00.000-07:00

...they are a creative hemorrhoid.

2008-06-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

why isn't there a coffee table book of weird nipples?
like the pencil eraser, the silver dollar, the dinner plate, the bovine....

2008-06-23T09:11:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna party like it's 1499.

2008-06-19T12:54:00.001-07:00

I don't know what salvation army you girls go to, because when I go all I find is broken plates and poop-stained janitor pants.

2008-06-17T14:17:00.000-07:00

c: I need a back rub...
t: sorry, I only do fronts.

2008-06-12T09:26:00.001-07:00

I've been accused of having a huge asparagus spear.

2008-06-11T11:43:00.000-07:00

n: tom, why are you being so serious today?
t: I dunno, probably because my butt's so big.

2008-06-10T14:05:00.000-07:00

based on the horrible things I've seen today, I think the only way to erase the memories is to kill myself.

2008-06-10T13:12:00.001-07:00

ummm......why do you have a birth on your screen?

2008-06-10T11:22:00.001-07:00

I decided I am going to move to illustration world and date a girl with a ten-inch waist and huge boobies......oh, and a sword.

2008-06-04T13:55:00.001-07:00

you guys don't need to go to the meat market...I make house calls.

2008-06-04T09:41:00.001-07:00

I wrote the book on maturity.

2008-06-04T08:41:00.001-07:00

c: did you just fart in my office and walk away?
t: no, I did not crop-dust you.

2008-05-29T12:12:00.001-07:00

Do you guys think my butt looks fat?

2008-05-20T11:32:00.000-07:00

n & c: tom don't misplace your to-do list
t: yeah....where is that?

2008-05-20T09:39:00.000-07:00

women see me as a piece of meat...they call me Tommy the T-Bone.

2008-05-20T07:37:00.000-07:00

he dials the phone like he's playing twister, because he's so small.

2008-05-01T08:25:00.001-07:00

I would rather pour boiling-hot-goat-piss in my eyes
than look at that ad.

2008-04-28T13:38:00.001-07:00

I'm not capable of these mental gymnastics.

2008-04-28T08:26:00.001-07:00

I'm going to move to somalia and become a cab driver.

2008-04-24T10:37:00.000-07:00

they call me the swedish jalapeno...because I'm so hot.

2008-04-23T11:17:00.000-07:00

I love you two. If I could have a three-way, I'd pick you.

2008-04-09T11:42:00.001-07:00

clearly he had his chicken beret on when he made that decision.

2008-04-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

(this is more of a did than a said)

2008-04-07T10:33:00.001-07:00

I spend most of my time thinking about yeast infections.

2008-04-03T13:20:00.001-07:00

hey you! calamari dink!

2008-04-03T12:23:00.001-07:00

I might need a food-baby c-section.

2008-04-03T12:22:00.001-07:00

(n: haven't you ever had a food baby?? [see juno])
think I'm having food-triplets.

2008-04-03T12:09:00.000-07:00

....and who wears pants that color?!
maybe the hill-murray marching band.

2008-04-03T11:50:00.001-07:00

fine. i'll do the dishes...but I won't guarantee there's not going to be a butt-spoon.

2008-04-03T11:49:00.001-07:00

you guys are wrecking christmas...just shut up....

2008-04-03T11:45:00.000-07:00

...you know in a head-to-head stapler competition....

2008-04-02T09:34:00.001-07:00

carrot top called and said he wants his kitchen back.